Nobody's Listening

Monday night:

I’m pretty darn sure I’m going to give myself a headache. I mean, blaring Linkin Park into your ears can’t really be all that good, can it? *cough*

*glares at computer screen* It isn’t nearly loud enough.

I can’t concentrate at all. I just feel like slacking off…and slacking off…and slacking off, but that won’t happen now, will it? Science homework, Planning test, PE homework, Socials speech, a crapload of Theory, piano practicing, and Mr. Girard is making us do devotionals. Sorry, but his class is just rivaling Mr. Matwichuck’s class last year, and that’s not a good thing. Furthermore, I think I’m pissed off about my Leadership mark. Even though it was due, apparently, to my own self-evalution. And I completely forgot about a Planning worksheet (albeit a small one) that was due today, so I had to hand it in half-completed. I wasn’t too pleased with that.

Hm. I suddenly get the feeling of wanting to shove everything I want to take into a backpack and just getting up and walking away. So is this stress? Once in a while I try to psychoanalyze things…it doesn’t always work, really.
I swear, my piano is getting worse and worse. I play songs I’ve been playing for over three months and suddenly I’m hitting all the wrong notes and stuff…my room is a mess…

Very strange. I have a question of, “Why?” Just “Why?” in general, encompassing everything.

I have this feeling that if I posted some of my angrier ravings, I would frighten most of you. I just went back and read them and I frightened myself. I swear, at some points then I must have been just slightly mentally unstable. *crooked smile* But I think I’m okay now. Sort of.

There is a curious sensation behind my eyes and an ache in my chest. I think I’m about to cry. I’m going about this in a strangely detached manner, but today really wasn’t the best of days. It would have downright sucked were it not for a few highlights such as band, etc… The want to cry started about five minutes ago with a comment and it hasn’t gone away yet. Ate half a slice of cheesecake and am now making myself finish it – I want to throw it up. This is strange. Usually, after a little while, this crying feeling goes away, especially if I’ve returned to my room, alone, but I guess maybe dwelling on it would be the cause of its not going away.

Oh, this is getting ridiculous. It’s, like, fifteen minutes after and that stupid ache in the chest is still there. *shakes head wonderingly* Just wondering, being curious, what are the chances of me suddenly having some sort of weird random mental breakdown?

Since I have no clue what on earth is wrong with me, I’ll accredit it to stress. And since I have no idea what I’m going to be feeling like for the next little while, I think I’ll apologize/warn you beforehand that I might be testy or wanting to do some avoiding. So, *smirk*, Kiwi-Kaewi, I won’t be dead. Someone else will need to smack people for me, so go right ahead, K, I’ve given you permission. (Still don’t love ya, though. :P) Or I’ll be off discussing things with Luke. Laptops and documents and games, and falling and stairs, or something.

Vasya owes me that techno CD! I gave his gloves back.

I STILL feel like I want to cry! Wow. Something has got to be wrong. I don’t usually randomly feel like this. Wait – didn’t I just contradict myself…? “Usually randomly”…

That last bite of cheesecake was disgustingly hard to swallow.

I’m starting to worry myself. It’s nearing, I’d guess, about half an hour now.

Ooh…

Tried to give you warning
But everyone ignores me
Told you everything loud and clear
But nobody’s listening…

Heart full of pain
Head full of stress
Handful of anger
Held in my chest
Uphill struggle
Blood, sweat, and tears
Nothing to gain
Everything to fear…

Very cool. I’m not accusing you people of not listening, don’t worry. This song sounds cool. Therefore, I am titling the post after it. “Nobody’s Listening”, by Linkin Park. It was just the “Head full of stress” and “Handful of anger held in my chest” parts that were cool.

Wow. I’ve used the word “cool” for about the fourth time in three days. I don’t like using that word unless as referring to temperature or something. Usually.

Who-oops, “Numb” isn’t a good song for right now.

BUT…I think I’m going to listen to it anyways.

My brother keeps crying. He should stop crying.

I am thinking almost perfectly calmly, but I still feel like I want to cry, and I’m actually staring straight ahead for no reason at all. I’m not even looking at the keyboard while I type this.

He’s crying right outside my bedroom door and it’s really annoying. I don’t want to crank the music up any higher cuz it might wreck my ears.

I feel kinda out of it.

Okay. Crying feeling gone after about some hour lapse. I still get the impression that “Breaking The Habit” was primarily about cutting.

sleepy_kitty_is_to_be_declawed

: Yeah, random.

Well, mom made me trim my nails. And so I did…but I accidentally cut one to the quick, so I did the same with all the rest, then realized just how retarded that looked. But too late. Like my hair, it’s a bit late…